


Light up the Dark

by JHyun33



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Bill is a caring sweetheart, Cuddling & Kissing, Depression, I feel so bad for Stan, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 13:47:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13365993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JHyun33/pseuds/JHyun33
Summary: He looks at Bill through tired and swollen eyes. Everything feels so heavy like a ton of bricks has fallen onto him. His head and his heart weigh him down, telling him "He left you behind as well! Bill is a traitor!", that he doesn't matter to anyone. If the flute lady hadn't backed off, she would've eaten him and nobody would care. Not even Bill.





	Light up the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> I love Stanley and Bill, they're probably my favourite characters.  
> Stan's fear was the most intriguing to me, because I'm scared of the painting in my grandma's house (it's a creepy clown, who would've thought lmao) and the flute lady was actually the only thing in the movie that legitimately creeped me out.
> 
> So I wanted to get a bit into Stan's head and how all of this left him scarred and torn with Bill to pick up the pieces to stitch them together.
> 
> I'm sorry for wrong spelling or grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language.

_Darkness._

_Nothing but pure darkness._

_Stan has his eyes wide open, but all he can see is black. There is a striking pain in his face as if sharp knives are boring into his skin. He feels blood trickling down the sides of his head. He wants to scream, but the air is being sucked out of his lungs. Dizziness comes over him as the feeling of suffocating kicks in. There is no more power in his limbs to move, he trembles from the unbearable pain and in fear. His consciousness is slipping, life leaving his shivering body at an agonizingly slow pace, a torture as its best._

_Suddenly the knives leave his face and a bit of light shines into his wide eyes, air flushes his lungs, his breath erratic and he sees the truly terrifying face of the flute woman. Her empty, white eyes wandering away from  him and the sharp teeth going back into her mouth. The sound she makes is strange, but still terrifying. Stan's eyes are fixed on the roof, his breath not calming and the panic still seeping deep in his veins and bones._

_There are hands on him and he jumps, kicks out, screams horrified. The faces of Eddie, Bill and Mike appear, then Richie and Ben. They seem so familiar, but strange at the same time. And Stan can't stop screaming, his voice ringing in their ears and echoing through the tunnels. "You left me!", he shouts at them. Eddie is holding his arm tight, he keeps chanting "I'm so sorry, Stan!" over and over again. But the words fall on deaf ears, Stan can only feel betrayal, fear, pain, sadness... He doesn't want to hear anything, so he screams, voice shrill and cracking from the sudden outbursts after such a loss of oxygen._

 

"...an!"

"...Stan!"

" **Stan!** "

 

Stan's eyes fall open while jolting up. "Stan." A calming voice comes from his left side, but he's scared and over-sensitive, so he scoots away and almost falls off the bed. "Stan,s- stop. You're hyper-v-v-ventilating.", the soft voice says. Slowly he moves his head towards it. Bill looks at him, eyes big and full of worry. They seem glassy as well. His hands are twitching like he wants to reach out for Stan. But he doesn't and Stan knows why.

He remembers the first time he had a panic attack like this and Bill tried to calm him down by hugging him and Stan accidentally punched him in the head. Bill doesn't know yet, if Stan has calmed down, so he's waiting on his spot impatiently for the other to give him permission. "S-Stan. Do you know w-where you a-are?", Bill asks quietly. Stan looks around.

He's on their bed, the big teddy plush lying between them. From his position he can see Bill's nightstand, his lamp, alarm clock, a bottle of water, his phone. On the walls are some photos of them and the Losers Club. The wardrobe is closed and on the armchairs lay neatly folded clothes, on the door hangs Bill's jacket. Next to the door is a poster of the latest Star Wars movie. He takes it all in, Bill watching him intently.

"I'm...home.", Stan whispers, too afraid to use his voice. He hears Bill exhaling and the sheets rustle as he scoots a little closer. "D-Do you know wh-who I am?", he asks. Their eyes meet and Stan just wants to cry now. "Billy.", he whimpers. A lump forms in his throat and finally the tears trickle down his cheeks. "Billy.", he repeats. His voice is strained and scratchy.

Bill takes this as his permission to finally be able to touch Stan, so he closes the distance between them and pulls the boy in his arms. "Just let... i-it out.", he mutters. Stan buries his face in his neck, and a hand combs carefully through his curls. As Bill strokes his back he realizes that Stan is covered in cold sweat and then Stan cries out. It sounds like he's in pain and in distress. The heavy panting returns and Bill presses the boy a bit more against his chest. "Ssh, ssh. It's o-o-okay, I'm here.", he says a few times. But Stan becomes louder, his voice almost raises to the volume from before, but it cracks. It's a mixture of crying and screaming and it breaks Bill's heart to hear them again. "S-Stan. B-Baby... I'm here.", he says.

He pulls back to hold Stan's face in his hands, wipes the tears and shushes him quietly. Bill knows that trying to be louder than him will only make matters worse. And it seems to work, because Stan becomes quieter now, his breathing is still quick and he starts to shiver instead from the soaked shirt in the cold air. He looks at Bill through tired and swollen eyes. Everything feels so heavy like a ton of bricks has fallen onto him. His head and his heart weigh him down, telling him _"He left you behind as well! Bill is a traitor!"_ , that he doesn't matter to anyone. If the flute lady hadn't backed off, she would've eaten him and nobody would care. Not even Bill.

There is no God to help him. Nobody can help him. His heart is bleeding and his mind has gone crazy. Everything tears him apart and pulls him down into the deep, dark abyss of nothingness.

He's alone in this horrible world.

Completely alone.

 

A hand is stroking his hair, when he slowly comes back to his senses. "Stan? D-Do you hear m-m-me?", Bill asks. His voice is so soft and calm, Stan wonders how Bill keeps up with his antics and is still so calm around him. He nods in response to the question and the other smiles slightly. "E-Everything is alright. I'm h-here and y-you're here." Now it's Bill's turn to get watery eyes. "Fuck, Stan.", he whispers.

Their fingers link and he pulls Stan in his lap to maintain the skin contact to keep them both calm. "Are you... are you hurt?", he asks. Stan looks down and nods. "W-W-Where?"

"Everywhere.", Stan whispers. He doesn't dare looking up.

Bill's lip quivers, tears escaping his eyes and dropping onto their linked hands. He feels so helpless, when he sees his boyfriend like this. Stan only feels pain. He should deserve to feel love, but the amount of darkness and pain has covered it all and it keeps taking.

So Bill does the thing he knows best he can do. He frees his left hand to lift it to Stan's chin to make him look up. Stan's eyes jump all over his face, Bill knows this procedure, he is looking for anything negative in Bill's expression. He's looking for the slightest sign that could look like Bill wants to push him out of his life. But he won't have any of that, so Bill leans in with a smile and presses his lips against Stan's. After a few seconds the other answers the kiss and Bill squeezes his hand. When they pull back, he keeps smiling genuinely. "I l-love you. A-And nothing will ever chuh-change that.", he says firmly, but still so soft and full of emotion.

 

And Stan feels a little weight falling off. A little light appears in the darkness. It's not much, there is still the rest pressing down onto him, but Bill _is taking so much_. That little bit is what keeps him going.

He's not alone.

Bill is with him and he won't leave.

 

Their foreheads gently touch and Bill can almost feel the dark thoughts leaving Stan's head. For now, at least. "I love you, too.", Stan says back.


End file.
